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Sunday, 29 August 2010

Self-inception

In this past year (and I foresee future years) I've been a real sucker for girls.

Smitten by a few, I was pretty convinced that I wanted to commit to the one of current interest at that point in time. In my head I'd form a list of the things I could do for, to and eventually with said girl of interest and I'd feel all hopeful and happy.

And then I would get all analytical and paranoid with what every little action of said girl of interest would mean and most of the time jump to worst-case-scenario conclusions, which are followed by hours of wallowing in self-pity.

And in these hours of self-pity-wallowing, at one point I'd notice that I actually don't have to feel all saddish because I probably don't even like said girl of interest that much, hence realising that I actually can be happy if I wanted to.

But I just won't wanna.

Which then leads me to think that I'm actually a bit like Ted Mosby from best show in the world How I Met Your Mother, except, of course, a lot less successful. A starry-eyed dude bent on finding someone to love and commit to (except, of course, not as long-term for my case).

I think this can simply be attributed to my fondness for fictional romance (though I find romance novels gay). I'd love to be able to find the kind of love in The Phantom Of The Opera or Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street and even Shrek, but at most times I find myself to be a little too emotionless to love so passionately.

And this leads to self-inception. I'd see a girl who I'm mildly interested in and from there I'd tell myself that I really like her when I probably don't really like her that much, though this is not to say that I'd lead her on. What I'm saying is that I'd want to like her more than I do.

And then we rinse, lather and repeat.

I have no idea where I'm heading with this. I'm just thinking aloud in this (fortunately) empty and unvisited space. In the end I still feel attracted to said girl of interest and alongside that, I feel happy, paranoid and sad at varying times and stages of the attraction.

What I'm wondering now is if it's real or if it's all just a convenient idea that I've planted in my head because it feels like it's somewhere in between.

In any case, I should really just focus on my A Levels now. :/

And if you're wondering, yes. There is a girl of interest right now.

Your favourite beatboxing ambigrammist,
Az

Posted by Az at 3:01 AM

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